Bittersweet

I really wanted to post yesterday because it was a bittersweet day. Not only did it mark 11 weeks of pregnancy (yay), it also marked a significant loss in my life...it was the due date of my first pregnancy. I think a fitting song (which I heard today in the car and it brought tears to my eyes) is Toby Keith's "Cryin' For Me." Here's the section of the song that I particularly liked:

Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

It's so true that there is absolutely no reason to cry for my babies that I lost...I only cry for me. For the things that I will miss out on. Just seeing their faces, their smiles....those things make me sad for me. I know it's selfish because truly heaven is right where we all wanna be (or should want to be). And my babies are already there. So, it does make me sad when I think about what has been taken from me with the loss of my first two pregnancies, but I know that sadness has nothing to do with the fact that my babies are with God now. It is only because I miss them and all the things that I dreamed of doing with them. I would do it all again, because the pain I have been through is worth it to have a baby...and hopefully this pregnancy will continue without any problems and we will be bringing one home to our family in late July/early August.

As for my current pregnancy, I have still been feeling sick at times, but it hasn't been as bad. I'm pretty used to it now...I'm sure that when I finally feel like myself again I will be shocked at how good it feels.

And now for the picture you (may have) all been waiting for:



Can you see it? The question is...is that my uterus doing that or am I just bloated? haha Probably a little of both. The fact that my uterus is kinda big for how far along I am makes me feel like it is probably contributing a little to that tiny bump. But, I am also pretty bloated so that's probably making it alot more obvious. Luckily, most people are deathly afraid to ask someone if they are pregnant for fear of being wrong! Most of you know that this is not my normal appearance....I know it doesn't look like much, but it's definitely there. Hopefully this is not an indication that I'm going to be as huge as a whale by the end of the pregnancy, but I haven't gained any weight so far. Evidently my uterus thinks the baby needs more room than it really does.

As for my ultrasound, I was very disappointed that they could not fit me in next week at all! Ridiculous. I already have so many bad associations with the perinatal center...I basically hate going there now, and I'm not too happy about the fact that they couldn't get me an appointment for 2 weeks!! I have off for the whole week pretty much and now I am going to have to go in on Monday the 25th at 10:00 even though I work that night. They said I could call back each morning to see if there was a cancellation....great. Believe me, I tried everything I could think of to get her to make me a slot earlier, but there was no changing her mind. Tomorrow I go at 9:30 to do the history with the nurse (the one I forgot to get done before my appointment and caused the whole ordeal). We better not have any issues because Scott won't be there to stop me lol. Also, I have to get a ton of blood drawn. And, eventhough I am a nurse, I don't enjoy having large amounts of blood drawn, especially when I already feel queasy. I hope I don't pass out.

I guess I won't have much to write about until the 25th....