My co-worker and friend, Jen, is someone I really like to talk to. Even though our situations are completely different, I feel like she really understands how I feel more than anyone else I have talked to. We both share our struggles, hopes, and fears. At the end of the night, we are no closer to solving our problems than we were at the beginning...but somehow it feels better. Last night we were both looking at other infertility blogs and I realized that looking at those blogs scares me. I see so many heartbreaking stories that have yet to find their happy ending and I wonder if that will be me someday. Of course, there are also alot of happy stories...but there is an overwhelming amount of heartbreak even in those stories. Jen and I both struggle with finding out that other people are pregnant when we both so desperately want to be. It seems like so many people don't even have to try...we are faced with it everyday when we walk into work and take care of another baby born to a 17 year old mom. Why is it that people like us, who REALLY want children, have so much difficulty making that dream come true? It just doesn't make sense...but then again, this whole fallen world doesn't really make alot of sense. Jen said today that she really hopes I will get pregnant first...and I realized something...I don't need to be first. I wanted that before, but I gave up on that. I can't be...I already am not first. In fact, I'm far from it. In the end if I get my dream come true, it won't matter that I wasn't first. There are alot of things that I have been first in...when it came to school, gymnastics, etc...I was first alot. It's taken alot of getting used to not being able to be first when it comes to being a part of Scott's family. He's the youngest, so he's used to it...but, I'm the oldest and I'm not used to being last at anything. I'm learning that being first isn't important. It's really about the end result and I realize that now. Like I quoted before, "It's not about winning, it's about not losing anymore"...that's all I want...not to lose anymore.
Please be praying for me as I will probably be going for blood tests soon. I'm really hoping for good results so that we can start moving forward. As always, we appreciate your prayers for continued healing throughout this process...physically, mentally, and spirtually.
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Leah,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared this. I remember feeling the same way, although I was "first" on this side of the family. But I definitely didn't have Jackson when I wanted to. Three years later, you're right, the timing didn't matter at all. All that mattered was that we had a healthy baby. And that is what I'm hoping and praying for you. Because I know like you said, when you finally do hold your baby, the timing will be insignificant. But I know it's so hard when you don't know the future, when you're stuck in uncertainty and waiting. I'm glad you have people to talk to that understand. It is so hard to see people every day that don't want to be pregnant, can't afford to be pregnant, and don't take care of their children, but yet they are the ones who get pregnant easily. Then there are people who would give anything to have a healthy pregnancy and they are the ones who have to wait. I wish we had more explanations, but I trust that God is working in your lives. And I want you to know that I think about you all the time, and am praying for you and Scott, and that little miracle I believe is in your future.