Changed

I wondered not too long ago how someone could ever get past the pain I have been through. I wondered if I would ever feel like the person I used to be. I can say that is it only through the grace of God that I am finally feeling like myself. I feel like a new person...back to the person I was in some ways, but still changed. In some ways I know I have changed for the better. I will never take for granted the miracle it is to bring a baby into this world...or even to get pregnant easily (not that I know what that's like). There are many people in this world that don't realize what a miracle it truly is to get pregnant the first month you try and end up holding a healthy baby in your arms 9 months later. Oh, what I would give to be in their shoes. I am happy to know how precious each life is, but I am sad to have lost that innocence. It must be nice to believe, like most of the world, that you have to try hard not to get pregnant until you want to. It must be nice to believe that when you get pregnant you will have a healthy baby in your arms in 9 months. I, too, once believed those things...but not anymore. Still, I am happy that I will never take for granted the miracle of childbirth...the miracle that each child is in this world. So, I say I have changed, and in most ways I know it is for the better, but in some ways it feels like its for the worse.

I was thinking today about Christmas cards...can't believe its getting close already. Often, I think back to where I was a year ago; It's strange because I can't believe how much has changed and how much has stayed the same. I really thought I would be close to having a baby at Christmas this year...but I won't. Unfortunately, that is one of the things that has stayed the same...still no baby. I can't believe that at this Christmas, I will have been pregnant 2 times, and lost two precious babies. Unfortunately, that is one of the things that has changed. I've lived through this terrible mess and its still hard to believe it even happened. But, the reality is always there. My point of talking about Christmas cards was that I was trying to think of what I would like to say on them. If I could be very honest and write what I wanted to on our cards, I would say, "Remember what is truly important in life this holiday season. Don't take for granted the blessings in your life...your spouse, your children (if you are blessed enough to have them), your family. The world is full of pain and heartache and love is the only thing that can overcome this." Of course I would never write this because most people don't have any idea what I have been through this past year...I'll come up with something else.

I feel like myself, but I am changed. The old me would have thought, like most of the world, that when I wanted a baby I would have one. The new me wonders if I ever will. I feel like everything is going to be ok...but I really don't know that. And, even if you, like most of the world, believe that it won't happen to you...you really don't know, do you? Luckily, I know God and I have faith that God will bless us with a child. I pray for it each day and I am waiting for that prayer to be answered. But, until I hold that baby in my arms, there will always be an empty place inside me. So, yeah, I've changed. God has taught me alot, but I'm still not perfect...I'm never going to be and that's ok. I'm really hoping that in the next year God will teach me some things in joy rather than in sorrow.